[He'll wait as promised, stealing some grapes from the onsen fruit bowl to pop into his mouth in the meantime, wringing the stem between his fingers when they've run out. Part of him wants to not speak about this at all. But he'd lost his temper over Lucifer for not choosing to talk when things mattered. The most he could do was try to be better.]
[He arrives not long after Beelzebub is finished with the grapes- the faded bruises and bite marks even more apparent now that he is without his shirt. He settles in nearby, but offers distance between the two of them. He...isn't sure if Beelzebub wants him close right now.
There's silence for a moment, before he finally speaks.]
[He doesn't break the distance, letting Temenos decide the boundary, keeping the stem twirling between his fingers.
His face stays carefully neutral when the cleric starts to talk, not responding. There's no agreement, no request - he'd had something planned, had Temenos not bothered to talk. But if the man needed to speak his mind first... Beel will give him the space.
[When Beelzebub says nothing in return, Temenos takes a breath and begins to elaborate.]
What you said about my actions—about them being like Lobelia's—was true. Though I absolutely loathed him, the two of us were alike in many ways...and a penchant for pushing the boundaries of danger is one of those similarities.
[It feels terrible to admit his affinity for Lobelia now of all times, but Beelzebub deserves to know.]
When I pursue a culprit of a crime, I put my everything into it. I will do whatever I must in order to learn the truth. This is a quality that my traveling companions, and even Lobelia himself, pointed out might get me killed one day.
[He allows that to hang in the air like a thick fog for a moment.]
I have never feared danger. [...] Nor had I ever stopped to consider what that might mean to those who care about me.
[His stomach growls. But Beelzebub, in the moment, doesn't feel like he could eat anything. He doesn't want to have this conversation. But... he wants to know, and wants to be known.]
I didn't feel victorious, when you did that. I didn't feel like we'd won. That we'd learned anything new. All I felt was afraid. Even when you were okay, all I felt was afraid. I watched Kanon take your bait, just like I took Lobelia's, and it made my stomach hurt.
I was angry. I still am angry. I don't want to get in your way when you're chasing what's important. But when you put yourself in danger like that, and then push everyone away for getting upset...
It... hurt, Temenos. It felt like nothing else mattered to you but your truth.
...
[He swallows.]
I still shouldn't have said what I did. I know it was cruel, to compare it to him.
[Temenos listens in silence, paying careful attention to every word Beelzebub has to say. Beelzebub deserves to be heard, just as Temenos deserves to hear what he has sorely needed to hear for the last five years.
Never has he once considered how his methods would affect others- how willing he would be to frighten and anger those around him as long as he got what he sought. Nor had he considered how unnecessarily aggressive he was being. If he had just held his tongue for a moment longer, the truth would have come out regardless.
Beelzebub is absolutely right. This wasn't a victory. This was recklessness for the the thrill of it. Temenos's selfish thrill.
If only Lobelia could have seen it. Or perhaps he had.
...
Temenos lets out a shaky exhale as he holds a hand to his mouth and allows this new truth to ruminate in him. His heart twists with shame.]
The truth is cruel, sometimes. [He murmurs, reassuring.] You were not wrong to call out my hypocrisy.
[And at this point, the comparison to Lobelia is the least of his concerns. With his eyes opened, he is reminded of how shameful he had been to Beelzebub in particular. For him to cast aside everything that Beelzebub had revealed to him last night—the shame and guilt that he trusted him with—just to goad Kanon into causing him bodily harm was just...
He shakes his head. He still can't bring himself to look at Beelzebub.]
[Quietly, with the rippling of water, Beelzebub moves across the onsen's surface to sit himself next to Temenos, a hand against his knee.]
...You don't need to say something like that.
I don't want you to stop being what you are, Temenos. But I don't want to celebrate any victories if you're not there to see it with us. I... don't care about the truth, or catching murderers, or even getting off this island if you feel you have to be sacrificed to find any of it.
[Temenos doesn't feel like he deserves this chance. But it doesn't stop him from emotionally crumpling under Beelzebub's touch. It doesn't stop his eyes from misting up.
He may not be worthy of it now, but no matter how foolish he has been, even he isn't beyond atonement. If he was to believe something from his faith, maybe it ought to be that.]
I understand.
[He finally says, breaking the silence.]
I was been blind to the pain and stress I was causing to everyone- you most of all. But you have opened my eyes. I should have never done that, not after everything we spoke of.
There is more to this existence than discovering the truth. Why was I so quick to forget that?
[The grip at Temenos's knee squeezes as the demon lets out a sigh.]
Even creatures like me take a long time to adjust to something different.
What you should have done... [There's a chuckle, humorless.] I guess I'm a hypocrite too, but... it's behind you now, isn't it? Even if you hold regrets and guilt, what you do now is what matters more.
[He knows it's something he still can't heartily believe, even after how many times Yuki had talked to him about Lilith and the enormous feelings that weighed down the topic. But he speaks from a place of empathy, of knowing it's a hard emotion to get past.
His free hand lifts to turn Temenos's face to look towards him, trying to meet his eyes. The concern is his gaze is vibrant beyond shades of magenta and purple.]
I want to see that part of you. That curious you that wants to discover life.
[Temenos allows Beelzebub to manipulate him, and he actually does look into his eyes this time. Reading expressions is incredibly easy for an inquisitor like him. It's those subtle shifts that can crack open a case, after all. So he doesn't miss the concern, nor the empathy in which Beelzebub speaks.]
Beel...
[It's almost overwhelming to take in.
His eyes slide closed for a moment, and he can't help but utter a laugh of his own.]
You don't give yourself nearly enough credit when it comes to speaking beautifully.
[It's moments like these that truly remind him why he fell in love with this incredible demon in the first place.
Reopening his eyes, he meets Beelzebub's gaze once more. Though he still feels shame for his actions, a desire to do something about it and not wallow in it is in his eyes now.]
I want to be able to show you. Would you truly allow me this chance?
No one, in four thousand years? It seems I have much making up to do for this injustice...
[Because this isn't even the first time that he has found Beelzebub's way with words to be beautiful. Beel deserves to know how much of an impact he has with them.
Just as in the past, he finds himself leaning into that touch- and leaning into Beelzebub proper.]
Thank you, Beel. I won't allow myself to squander the trust that you have given me another time.
[He can't lose sight of himself again. There is something more important than the truth, and that something—someone—is right in front of him.]
[He allows the lean in, settling next to Temenos. It's a relief, to hear the dedication, to knowing that his feelings are being given weight. Knowing that Temenos cares about him enough to even consider making that change... it settles some of the twist in his stomach.
But there's still something he wants to make clear. So he chews on his words in silence for a long moment.]
It's not just for me.
[Another squeeze of his leg, running his thumb against the knee.]
People need someone smart like you, somebody that will ask hard questions. I don't think what you do is bad.
...Promise me that you'll ask for help. It doesn't need to be from me. But you're not the only one that wants answers. You're not the only one with ideas. Everybody can work together. But... we need to talk, to do that. That means you, too.
[He leans his head to rest against the cleric's.]
You don't want me to give in to wrath. I don't want you to give in to pride.
[Temenos's eyes widen slightly when Beelzebub speaks up again. He hadn't even considered how susceptible to pride he'd made himself until now. He wouldn't have even solved the string of murders back home if it wasn't for the help he had received along the way.
Those...he had lost along the way.
Perhaps that is why he went in alone- and why he placated Lobelia as he did. He didn't want to lose anyone else, for how well that worked out for him.
He exhales slowly, bringing a hand up to put on top of Beelzebub's.]
I truly doubt people need me in that manner. You all have more than proven yourselves to be quite capable already, with or without my input.
[If anything, he feels like he has put himself in such a rut in this place. He's never lost sight of himself this deeply before.
But he is nothing if not determined. He'll claw his way back, so long as he remembers he doesn't have to do it alone.]
Still, I would like to continue to help in any way that I can. I intend to step back from now on, but I will always be within reach.
You're still who I placed my faith in. A mistake or two doesn't change that.
I believe in you, Temenos. I wouldn't have wanted to voice my feelings if I had thought you wouldn't listen to them.
[Had he not had plenty of examples of Temenos's patience with him already, it might have been different. But he never did like to think poorly without a good reason.]
I'd just get too hungry if I thought it was a waste of my time. So I'm glad I was right.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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There's silence for a moment, before he finally speaks.]
Beel, I... I owe you an apology.
[No shit.]
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His face stays carefully neutral when the cleric starts to talk, not responding. There's no agreement, no request - he'd had something planned, had Temenos not bothered to talk. But if the man needed to speak his mind first... Beel will give him the space.
He's listening.]
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What you said about my actions—about them being like Lobelia's—was true. Though I absolutely loathed him, the two of us were alike in many ways...and a penchant for pushing the boundaries of danger is one of those similarities.
[It feels terrible to admit his affinity for Lobelia now of all times, but Beelzebub deserves to know.]
When I pursue a culprit of a crime, I put my everything into it. I will do whatever I must in order to learn the truth. This is a quality that my traveling companions, and even Lobelia himself, pointed out might get me killed one day.
[He allows that to hang in the air like a thick fog for a moment.]
I have never feared danger. [...] Nor had I ever stopped to consider what that might mean to those who care about me.
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Something guilty flashes over his expression. But he lets the silence sit, processing Temenos's words without negating his own feelings.
It makes sense. But it hurts.
...
He exhales slowly.]
"The only thing I fear is the thought of losing you again."
That's what you told me. That's what you asked me to promise to avoid. Right?
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It's time for Temenos's expression to cloud with guilt.]
Yes. All of that is true.
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[His stomach growls. But Beelzebub, in the moment, doesn't feel like he could eat anything. He doesn't want to have this conversation. But... he wants to know, and wants to be known.]
I didn't feel victorious, when you did that. I didn't feel like we'd won. That we'd learned anything new. All I felt was afraid. Even when you were okay, all I felt was afraid. I watched Kanon take your bait, just like I took Lobelia's, and it made my stomach hurt.
I was angry. I still am angry. I don't want to get in your way when you're chasing what's important. But when you put yourself in danger like that, and then push everyone away for getting upset...
It... hurt, Temenos. It felt like nothing else mattered to you but your truth.
...
[He swallows.]
I still shouldn't have said what I did. I know it was cruel, to compare it to him.
You're not him. I don't want you to think that.
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Never has he once considered how his methods would affect others- how willing he would be to frighten and anger those around him as long as he got what he sought. Nor had he considered how unnecessarily aggressive he was being. If he had just held his tongue for a moment longer, the truth would have come out regardless.
Beelzebub is absolutely right. This wasn't a victory. This was recklessness for the the thrill of it. Temenos's selfish thrill.
If only Lobelia could have seen it. Or perhaps he had.
...
Temenos lets out a shaky exhale as he holds a hand to his mouth and allows this new truth to ruminate in him. His heart twists with shame.]
The truth is cruel, sometimes. [He murmurs, reassuring.] You were not wrong to call out my hypocrisy.
[And at this point, the comparison to Lobelia is the least of his concerns. With his eyes opened, he is reminded of how shameful he had been to Beelzebub in particular. For him to cast aside everything that Beelzebub had revealed to him last night—the shame and guilt that he trusted him with—just to goad Kanon into causing him bodily harm was just...
He shakes his head. He still can't bring himself to look at Beelzebub.]
I cannot possibly ask for your forgiveness.
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[Quietly, with the rippling of water, Beelzebub moves across the onsen's surface to sit himself next to Temenos, a hand against his knee.]
...You don't need to say something like that.
I don't want you to stop being what you are, Temenos. But I don't want to celebrate any victories if you're not there to see it with us. I... don't care about the truth, or catching murderers, or even getting off this island if you feel you have to be sacrificed to find any of it.
No truth is worth that much. I can't accept that.
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He may not be worthy of it now, but no matter how foolish he has been, even he isn't beyond atonement. If he was to believe something from his faith, maybe it ought to be that.]
I understand.
[He finally says, breaking the silence.]
I was been blind to the pain and stress I was causing to everyone- you most of all. But you have opened my eyes. I should have never done that, not after everything we spoke of.
There is more to this existence than discovering the truth. Why was I so quick to forget that?
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Even creatures like me take a long time to adjust to something different.
What you should have done... [There's a chuckle, humorless.] I guess I'm a hypocrite too, but... it's behind you now, isn't it? Even if you hold regrets and guilt, what you do now is what matters more.
[He knows it's something he still can't heartily believe, even after how many times Yuki had talked to him about Lilith and the enormous feelings that weighed down the topic. But he speaks from a place of empathy, of knowing it's a hard emotion to get past.
His free hand lifts to turn Temenos's face to look towards him, trying to meet his eyes. The concern is his gaze is vibrant beyond shades of magenta and purple.]
I want to see that part of you. That curious you that wants to discover life.
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Beel...
[It's almost overwhelming to take in.
His eyes slide closed for a moment, and he can't help but utter a laugh of his own.]
You don't give yourself nearly enough credit when it comes to speaking beautifully.
[It's moments like these that truly remind him why he fell in love with this incredible demon in the first place.
Reopening his eyes, he meets Beelzebub's gaze once more. Though he still feels shame for his actions, a desire to do something about it and not wallow in it is in his eyes now.]
I want to be able to show you. Would you truly allow me this chance?
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[He's used to being the simple one, the hungry one, the muscle. No one, not even Belphie, would ever say he had beautiful words.
Beel doesn't think so, at least.
His expression softens, tired but fond, a small amount of hurt now only background noise as he cards a hand through Temenos's hair.]
Yeah. Of course I will.
I want to see it with you.
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[Because this isn't even the first time that he has found Beelzebub's way with words to be beautiful. Beel deserves to know how much of an impact he has with them.
Just as in the past, he finds himself leaning into that touch- and leaning into Beelzebub proper.]
Thank you, Beel. I won't allow myself to squander the trust that you have given me another time.
[He can't lose sight of himself again. There is something more important than the truth, and that something—someone—is right in front of him.]
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But there's still something he wants to make clear. So he chews on his words in silence for a long moment.]
It's not just for me.
[Another squeeze of his leg, running his thumb against the knee.]
People need someone smart like you, somebody that will ask hard questions. I don't think what you do is bad.
...Promise me that you'll ask for help. It doesn't need to be from me. But you're not the only one that wants answers. You're not the only one with ideas. Everybody can work together. But... we need to talk, to do that. That means you, too.
[He leans his head to rest against the cleric's.]
You don't want me to give in to wrath. I don't want you to give in to pride.
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Those...he had lost along the way.
Perhaps that is why he went in alone- and why he placated Lobelia as he did. He didn't want to lose anyone else, for how well that worked out for him.
He exhales slowly, bringing a hand up to put on top of Beelzebub's.]
I truly doubt people need me in that manner. You all have more than proven yourselves to be quite capable already, with or without my input.
[If anything, he feels like he has put himself in such a rut in this place. He's never lost sight of himself this deeply before.
But he is nothing if not determined. He'll claw his way back, so long as he remembers he doesn't have to do it alone.]
Still, I would like to continue to help in any way that I can. I intend to step back from now on, but I will always be within reach.
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You're hard on yourself.
You don't need to be.
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[He responds lightly, squeezing Beelzebub’s hand.]
Thank you, though. For everything.
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[All that talk of saying they didn't need him... maybe it was realistic, but it still doesn't feel right!]
I didn't do anything. But... you're welcome.
Thank you for listening to me.
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[There's some firmness to that. He's being serious.]
I wouldn't be so aware of the changes that I need to make if not for you. I want to be a better person... The Temenos that you placed your faith in.
[Someone his loved ones from home wouldn't look down on in disappointment.]
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I believe in you, Temenos. I wouldn't have wanted to voice my feelings if I had thought you wouldn't listen to them.
[Had he not had plenty of examples of Temenos's patience with him already, it might have been different. But he never did like to think poorly without a good reason.]
I'd just get too hungry if I thought it was a waste of my time. So I'm glad I was right.