[“To be fair, it’s hard to be happy in a place like this” is what Haruka wants to say at first. Just dismiss it all entirely, because it’s not like that’s not true.
But…
It’s complicated. It feels stupid to think of something like this as complicated, when it probably can’t even compare to the things a demon that’s lived for thousands of years has seen. Hell, it’s probably not even that bad. Beelzebub probably doesn’t even really care, or see him as anything more then a nuisance who doesn’t know when to shut up.
He tenses, gritting his teeth before forcing himself to take a deep breath.]
I haven’t told you how I became an idol, have I?
[He knows he hasn’t. He hasn’t told anyone, besides vaguely telling Chuuya he was scouted.]
[There's a rustle of both grass and chip bags as the demon lifts to his feet, a handful of his leftover snackbags in one wrist as he breaks the distance, plopping down next to Haruka.]
You haven't told me much about it at all. Just that there's nothing quite like performing, and that your grandmother supports you.
For being something you're so good at... you don't seem to like talking about it. So I didn't think it was good to ask.
Some people I know have wanted to be musicians or idols since they were kids, but I didn’t really think much about it. I sang in the choir at the church near my grandmother’s house sometimes, but... that was it.
[He pauses, wondering again if this is even worth talking about, before pushing on.]
One day a man approached me - Kujou. He said he thought I had a lot of potential, that I could end up being a great idol, even better then the best, if I went with him and trained a bit more. He...
[Kujou said a lot of things to him.]
He even said he'd be my new dad, right? And I know I... told you my parents died, so... it seemed perfect. Things would be better for my grandmother if there was someone else to take care of me and help out, and I liked singing and performing at church, so... I went with him.
[Another pause, as he glances over at Beel.]
He was the one who told me to think the fans would poison me. I listened to him, and I did all sorts of lessons and training. Voice, dance, acting... I wanted him to be proud of me, which is so stupid, because I would never be any better then who he actually decided to make his son. I was just a failed project of his, and always would be, so he sent me back to Japan.
[He was so stupid. He still is stupid, sitting here right now.]
That's when I met Ryou, who was looking to start an idol group that would change things up. He offered me the chance to get back at Kujou, and I took it. So that's how I ended up a part of ZOOL.
[It's the most he thinks he's ever heard Haruka say in one sitting without changing the subject or clamming up.
Beelzebub stays quiet, popping open a snack bag but even slowing his own snackage to make sure he's not interrupting. A boy with very little, given an opportunity, wanting love and help, and... something happened?
And now he was left to pick up the pieces, and find success elsewhere.
...]
Why do you think it's stupid?
It's not stupid to want someone to be proud of you.
[Granted, he doesn't know any of the details. But Haruka must be holding onto so much guilt that didn't belong. It seems best to state it plainly.]
It sounds like he gave promises he didn't keep. The job of a father isn't to tear his children down the second they aren't what he hoped they would be and send them away.
...It's not stupid to want someone to be proud, Haruka. It isn't.
[Beelzebub… is far too nice for someone for Haruka, even if this is all he’s wanted from someone. He doesn’t know the things Haruka’s done because of the resentment he held for Kujou, though it, again, seems like something stupid to bring up to a demon.
He sniffles, rubbing at his eyes and shaking his head.]
It’s all in the past, now. It doesn’t matter here.
[He just wanted to make sure Beel was feeling okay, and now he’s the one crying!! How embarrassing…]
[He looks at the cookie bag, hesitantly picking it up. He’s not particularly hungry after the debacle this day has been, but… he doesn’t want to reject the gesture, either.]
[What does he even do with this information… It’s not like it really changes anything about who Beel is, but him being a demon has already factored into their friendship so little…
We let it happen for a while. Angels aren't supposed to get involved with humanity like that unless you choose to be someone's guardian. But she was so happy... so we didn't intervene.
[There's such complicated guilt that still rises from that, even now. Would it have been better, if anyone had stopped her? Knowing what was to come?]
Eventually the human got sick and was going to die. Lilith snuck food out from the Celestial Realm to extend the human's life, which was forbidden. And when Father found out, He was going to get rid of her. Erase her for her disobedience.
We had a lot of different issues with Father, even before then. But when Father said what He was going to do to our sister, that was the last straw for a lot of us.
When the Celestial War broke out after Lucifer rebelled against our Father, we all took Lucifer's side, including Lilith. But... she was shot from the heavens during the fighting, and fell to her death.
[Haruka is quiet for a long moment, taking it all in, before he shifts to face Beel more directly. There’s so much he wants to ask, but it all feels so irrelevant and would only serve to sate his curiosity.
It won’t change that it all feels so… pointless and cruel. Why should Lilith have been punished for falling in love, even if it was with a human? If He didn’t want that, why make angels that could feel love in the first place?]
I’m sorry, Beel.
[…]
I hope she was at least happy, before everything went wrong.
I still feel guilty. That maybe if we'd said something sooner, Father wouldn't have had to intervene. We could have avoided war. Lilith could still be alive. If I'd been faster when the arrow was shot, maybe I could have saved her.
...
But... it's wishful thinking. I can't change our issues with Father, or how he thinks of us. I can't change how he thought of Lilith. And I can't bring her back.
[It still hurts to even acknowledge, to think of her face, to think of Belphie, to think of the sorrow that still hung heavy about her after millenia. But...
He lets out a breath.]
All I can do is... be me. Protect what I know I care about now.
[He looks over at Beel, wishing there was something he could do or say to make him not look as sad as he does right now. Loss is never something easy to deal with, but somehow it’s not something Haruka has much experience with. His parents died so early, it never bothered him - so he’s always been the one abandoned by others.
There’s nothing he can do to make it better.]
You did what you thought was right, and that’s all anyone case ask of you. Dwelling on what could have been is just stupid, because you’re only going to make yourself feel sorry for yourself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I think it's worth it.
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You don't look it. Happy, I mean.
You do when you're singing. When you're talking about your grandmother, too.
But since you've sat down a few minutes ago, you don't look happy at all, talking about any of this.
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But…
It’s complicated. It feels stupid to think of something like this as complicated, when it probably can’t even compare to the things a demon that’s lived for thousands of years has seen. Hell, it’s probably not even that bad. Beelzebub probably doesn’t even really care, or see him as anything more then a nuisance who doesn’t know when to shut up.
He tenses, gritting his teeth before forcing himself to take a deep breath.]
I haven’t told you how I became an idol, have I?
[He knows he hasn’t. He hasn’t told anyone, besides vaguely telling Chuuya he was scouted.]
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[There's a rustle of both grass and chip bags as the demon lifts to his feet, a handful of his leftover snackbags in one wrist as he breaks the distance, plopping down next to Haruka.]
You haven't told me much about it at all. Just that there's nothing quite like performing, and that your grandmother supports you.
For being something you're so good at... you don't seem to like talking about it. So I didn't think it was good to ask.
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Some people I know have wanted to be musicians or idols since they were kids, but I didn’t really think much about it. I sang in the choir at the church near my grandmother’s house sometimes, but... that was it.
[He pauses, wondering again if this is even worth talking about, before pushing on.]
One day a man approached me - Kujou. He said he thought I had a lot of potential, that I could end up being a great idol, even better then the best, if I went with him and trained a bit more. He...
[Kujou said a lot of things to him.]
He even said he'd be my new dad, right? And I know I... told you my parents died, so... it seemed perfect. Things would be better for my grandmother if there was someone else to take care of me and help out, and I liked singing and performing at church, so... I went with him.
[Another pause, as he glances over at Beel.]
He was the one who told me to think the fans would poison me. I listened to him, and I did all sorts of lessons and training. Voice, dance, acting... I wanted him to be proud of me, which is so stupid, because I would never be any better then who he actually decided to make his son. I was just a failed project of his, and always would be, so he sent me back to Japan.
[He was so stupid. He still is stupid, sitting here right now.]
That's when I met Ryou, who was looking to start an idol group that would change things up. He offered me the chance to get back at Kujou, and I took it. So that's how I ended up a part of ZOOL.
[Haruka laughs, weak and bitter.]
That's how it all started. Stupid, right?
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Beelzebub stays quiet, popping open a snack bag but even slowing his own snackage to make sure he's not interrupting. A boy with very little, given an opportunity, wanting love and help, and... something happened?
And now he was left to pick up the pieces, and find success elsewhere.
...]
Why do you think it's stupid?
It's not stupid to want someone to be proud of you.
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[Which is obvious only in retrospect, truly, but it’s still something that makes Haruka feel pathetic.
He had gotten his hopes up, like a fool.]
He wanted something that I wouldn’t ever be, and he never wanted me to be a part of his family like Kujou Tenn and Aya.
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[Granted, he doesn't know any of the details. But Haruka must be holding onto so much guilt that didn't belong. It seems best to state it plainly.]
It sounds like he gave promises he didn't keep. The job of a father isn't to tear his children down the second they aren't what he hoped they would be and send them away.
...It's not stupid to want someone to be proud, Haruka. It isn't.
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He sniffles, rubbing at his eyes and shaking his head.]
It’s all in the past, now. It doesn’t matter here.
[He just wanted to make sure Beel was feeling okay, and now he’s the one crying!! How embarrassing…]
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[The tears wouldn't flow if the heart wasn't hurting.
...
He plucks out one of his snack bags of cookies, gently reaching over to deposit it against the teen's leg.]
I've been away from my Father for centuries. I still think my feelings about that matter. Even in a place like this.
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…What was he like? Your father.
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[There's a long, long exhale, the demon's eyes trailing to his lap as he thinks. How would he describe Father?]
Loving. Powerful. Omnipotent.
But he had his rules.
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Did you break them?
[Why else would he not have seen him in centuries?]
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Not at first.
...My little sister did, though.
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[What did she do?]
What was she like?
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His eyes pain as he looks back down at his lap.]
Lilith was bright. Energetic. Curious. Really, really stubborn. She liked to challenge people whether she won or lost. And she loved humanity.
She had a lot of love, even for an angel. It was like being around the sun.
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A loving, omnipotent father with strict rules…
Ah.
It makes sense, with what little he knows of the Bible and Lucifer, but it’s still a surprise to hear. He hadn’t considered it at all.]
…You’re a fallen angel?
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Yeah. It's been a long time, but... all but one of my brothers and I used to be angels. Lilith was, too.
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At least on Haruka’s end.]
Where is Lilith now?
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She fell in love with a human.
We let it happen for a while. Angels aren't supposed to get involved with humanity like that unless you choose to be someone's guardian. But she was so happy... so we didn't intervene.
[There's such complicated guilt that still rises from that, even now. Would it have been better, if anyone had stopped her? Knowing what was to come?]
Eventually the human got sick and was going to die. Lilith snuck food out from the Celestial Realm to extend the human's life, which was forbidden. And when Father found out, He was going to get rid of her. Erase her for her disobedience.
We had a lot of different issues with Father, even before then. But when Father said what He was going to do to our sister, that was the last straw for a lot of us.
When the Celestial War broke out after Lucifer rebelled against our Father, we all took Lucifer's side, including Lilith. But... she was shot from the heavens during the fighting, and fell to her death.
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It won’t change that it all feels so… pointless and cruel. Why should Lilith have been punished for falling in love, even if it was with a human? If He didn’t want that, why make angels that could feel love in the first place?]
I’m sorry, Beel.
[…]
I hope she was at least happy, before everything went wrong.
[Even if it was a fleeting thing.]
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I still feel guilty. That maybe if we'd said something sooner, Father wouldn't have had to intervene. We could have avoided war. Lilith could still be alive. If I'd been faster when the arrow was shot, maybe I could have saved her.
...
But... it's wishful thinking. I can't change our issues with Father, or how he thinks of us. I can't change how he thought of Lilith. And I can't bring her back.
[It still hurts to even acknowledge, to think of her face, to think of Belphie, to think of the sorrow that still hung heavy about her after millenia. But...
He lets out a breath.]
All I can do is... be me. Protect what I know I care about now.
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There’s nothing he can do to make it better.]
You did what you thought was right, and that’s all anyone case ask of you. Dwelling on what could have been is just stupid, because you’re only going to make yourself feel sorry for yourself.
[…]
You’re okay. It won’t happen again.
[He’s sure of it.
(laugh track)]