He nods quietly, leaning his hands against his knees.]
...She was our little sister. Belphie and Lilith and I... we always spent a lot of time together in the Celestial Realm. We were really close.
She was always getting into trouble. She loved challenges, and asking us to do things with her. But what she really loved was humanity. I think she got it from Belphie. He'd always sneak off to the human world, and she loved Belphie so much that she would go with him.
He can't help but think about a similar miscommunication in their first meeting, and how drastically things have changed since then. At least small joys like this haven't changed one bit.]
Not quite, though it is the same word. I speak of an adherent in the context of a religious disciple. For example, I am an adherent of the Order of the Sacred Flame, albeit a more dubious one in recent years.
[Disciple he knows!! Education! Still, he shakes his head.]
No. No disciples. Our Father had millions. But angels can't really be worshipped the same way. They can only choose one human to be a personal guardian over. So it's better to keep a distance and not interfere with humanity.
...
Lilith was different, though. She always wanted to be with them.
And she eventually found someone. Not who she wanted to be guardian towards... but a human she loved.
Yeah. The love of a guardian is close, but... this wasn't that. It was romantic.
We didn't mind. Lilith was really happy. Really, really happy.
[He wonders, so often, if they'd stepped in earlier... if they could have prevented too much of an escalation.]
But humans don't live forever. This one didn't either. They got sick. And Lilith... she didn't want to see them die. So she snuck food from the Celestial Realm down to them to help heal them. She interfered.
Temenos frowns, knowing where this must be going. It's not just that, though. Just knowing that the Celestial Realm apparently doesn't interfere with these sorts of things is disappointing. He remembers spending so much time fervently praying to the gods to help Roi when he was similarly sick. Roi recovered, but...Temenos honestly doubts that it had anything to do with his prayers being answered. It just gives him all the more confirmation he needs that his choice to stop relying on gods was the right one.
He's sure there's a difference, with Lilith directly interacting with this person and potentially revealing her true identity. It's risky, what with the darkness that naturally dwells within humans. Even so...]
Lucifer had already been dissatisfied with Father. A lot of us were having doubts. But that just pushed us over the edge. We started a war with Father and the Celestial Realm. Lilith joined us.
I was in charge of protecting both of them. Belphie, and Lilith. But...
I didn't see the arrows until they were too late. And when I did, I... I only had time to choose one.
I watched her be shot from heaven. And Belphie... I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for that. For choosing him, instead of...
[It had to have fallen on him. His strength. His family. She might be here if not for what he couldn't do. Maybe if he'd payed more attention. Maybe if he'd kept them all together. Maybe...
Maybe he wouldn't have to see his family now with a hole in their heart where their sister used to be... the sister they wanted to save from death in the first place.]
[That's really fucking aggressive. And yet Temenos can't even find an ounce of surprise within himself. This is what led to the brothers being cast out of heaven, then...
All of his attention focuses on Beelzebub from there on, watching him with growing concern as he recounts that horrible moment.]
Beel...
[If Beelzebub will allow it, Temenos shifts to link their arms again so he can hold onto him in a comforting gesture.]
That is a truly impossible choice to be forced into. I am so very sorry.
[The guilt in Beelzebub's eyes that Temenos has seen before makes so much more sense now. He doubts he could offer any sentiments that would assuage any of that guilt, but he can at the very least offer an ear and perhaps a shoulder.]
[What a horrible thing to have etched into ones memory. Part of Temenos wonders if Beelzebub has dreams about it sometimes. He would understand that all too well.
He squeezes back, further reassuring Beelzebub of his presence.]
Fortunately, that did not come to pass. You've been through more than enough.
[He was horrified in the moment, though. It was just like what happened to Crick, only he was there to witness it firsthand. He wouldn't blame Beelzebub for it one bit if he had heard what Lobelia said to him, though. It was just...simply terrible in any angle one would look at it.]
I am still here, and I promise you that I am not going anywhere. I'll be here at your side for as long as you'll allow me.
[He sighs wearily as he leans into Temenos, keeping that grip against him firm. This... he doesn't want to think about losing this, too.]
...Lobelia spoke to me, before everything went bad. In my head. He's done it before.
He called me a coward. That I couldn't protect my family, and would never protect them, and that I couldn't protect Haruka and Xiao, either. That it was all my fault for not...
...
[He exhales, frustrated, pained... but Temenos is his grounding, of touch and smell and sight and the sound of his breath against the crash of the falls. So he tries to let the tension sink to the ground, letting his touch rub against Temenos's arm.]
I didn't want to believe him. But it's hard not to.
[Hearing that confirms Temenos's fears about what Lobelia had said to Beelzebub. His expression hardens, but he otherwise keeps calm. He needs to be calm.]
As I have said before, Lobelia had a nasty penchant for singling out the weaknesses of others and exploiting them for his amusement...or for his own ends. He used your guilt as a weapon to goad you into a fight, and unfortunately, it played out exactly as he hoped.
You mustn't believe him, though. What happened to Haruka and Xiao could not have been prevented with how little prepared we were for it. You shouldn't shoulder the responsibility for that squarely upon yourself.
[Nor was it right for Lobelia to thrust blame upon him for it.]
Moreover... Allow me to ask you something: Do you truly wish to prove Lobelia right about anything after what he did to you? You've made your commitment to your family perfectly clear to me. Those weren't the words of a coward. You'll protect them, Beel. You won't lose anyone else.
[It's a response that comes quietly, the demon looking a little overwhelmed and choked up at Temenos's response. He's right, and Beelzebub knows it. But the self-doubt still knaws at him.
His eyes drift out to the water, lips thinning as his touch travels against Temenos's arm, trying to collect himself and his thoughts.]
...
You have a lot of faith in me. I don't always understand it. But... I'm glad that you listen.
[He sighs, some of the tension of his shoulders dropping with the action. It's not a problem that can be fixed in one conversation, or even one extended vacation. But there's a comfort in letting the vulnerability lie on someone who Beelzebub trusts.]
I hope you're right. I want to believe you, and not him.
[Smiling with melancholy, Temenos follows Beelzebub's gaze.]
"Doubt is what I do."
That was something of a catchphrase I'd developed for myself over the years. At first it was to protect my overly trusting brother from harm, but the world only kept giving me justification for my doubt. Soon enough, I couldn't even trust the Sacred Flame itself.
[He finally addresses the remainder of his cone before he continues.]
But I met someone during my travels who I came to hold dear. He often challenged my doubt and urged me to find faith in something again, even after I scoffed at his dreams and shook his very own trust in the church.
I hadn't realized how weary of that doubt I'd become until he confronted me about it.
[He lets out a sigh of his own and closes his eyes.]
I suppose this is my long-winded explanation for my faith in you. I want to support you to the best of my ability- to believe instead of doubt for a change. You are more than deserving of it.
[Doubt is powerful, after all. Especially self-doubt. If he can crack away at it bit by bit, then he'll consider it a success.]
[Much like with Lilith, Temenos's brother is a similarly rough topic to discuss. Still, he promised Beelzebub he would answer particularly difficult questions like these. It's only fair.]
I'll tell you about them both, but why don't we start with my brother for now? His name was Roi.
["Was"...]
I should clarify that we weren't related by blood, but we were both taken in by the pontiff around the same time and I quickly came to think of him as an older brother. We were both deeply devout followers of the Sacred Flame as we grew up together, though Roi was always a bit...too trusting. He only saw the good in people, and as such left himself vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Truly, he was too kind for his own good sometimes.
[And yet he can't help but look fond, in a distant sort of way.]
Mn. Family is family. Blood doesn't really matter.
[He keeps his hold steady against Temenos's arm, a quiet gathering of his attention as Temenos speaks. Temenos was a younger brother as well, then... and he doesn't miss the past tense, having just come off his own painful nostalgia.]
...Watching an older sibling do something you don't understand gets really hard sometimes, I think.
[He breathes out a mildly amused sigh. At least this is something the two of them can relate to.]
Doesn't it just?
[As for Beelzebub's question, he gives a light nod.]
Oh, so often that I lost count of how many times it happened a long time ago. Granted, those incidents never had terribly serious consequences. We were young, after all, and Roi eventually wised up enough to become an inquisitor.
...It was the moment he himself began to wholly doubt something that spelled his doom, ironically enough.
[Having Beelzebub's support as he recounts this terrible memory is comforting in a way Temenos couldn't quite explain if he tried. He finds himself leaning in a little heavily.]
He came to me late one night, stricken with fear over what he and the pontiff discovered within the church's interior. It was the Darkblood Bow- a terrible weapon of legend that was said to be used in an attempt to end the world. What was such a thing doing within the church? This shook Roi to his very core, shattering his trust in the Order.
He vowed to dispose of the bow, and to look into the church's secrets. He...forbade me from joining him, instead imploring me to carry on his work if something happened to him.
[It's still something that clearly pains him. If Roi hadn't gone it alone, would he still be alive?]
"The church has secrets. Extraordinary, terrible secrets."
Those were the final words he said to me before disappearing into the night. I never saw him again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He nods quietly, leaning his hands against his knees.]
...She was our little sister. Belphie and Lilith and I... we always spent a lot of time together in the Celestial Realm. We were really close.
She was always getting into trouble. She loved challenges, and asking us to do things with her. But what she really loved was humanity. I think she got it from Belphie. He'd always sneak off to the human world, and she loved Belphie so much that she would go with him.
She was always really happy down there.
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An angel who loved humanity, hm? Though we are not of the same world, it is...heartening, to hear that it is the case somewhere.
Did any of you ever end up with adherents...?
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[He has to think about it for a second, confused.]
Like a glue?
[He doesn't know what this means, sir.]
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...
He can't help but think about a similar miscommunication in their first meeting, and how drastically things have changed since then. At least small joys like this haven't changed one bit.]
Not quite, though it is the same word. I speak of an adherent in the context of a religious disciple. For example, I am an adherent of the Order of the Sacred Flame, albeit a more dubious one in recent years.
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[Disciple he knows!! Education! Still, he shakes his head.]
No. No disciples. Our Father had millions. But angels can't really be worshipped the same way. They can only choose one human to be a personal guardian over. So it's better to keep a distance and not interfere with humanity.
...
Lilith was different, though. She always wanted to be with them.
And she eventually found someone. Not who she wanted to be guardian towards... but a human she loved.
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But as Beelzebub continues, Temenos's expression goes a bit murky and he thoughtfully licks at his ice cream.]
I imagine a guardian is likewise supposed to keep a distance. But she got to know this human personally?
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We didn't mind. Lilith was really happy. Really, really happy.
[He wonders, so often, if they'd stepped in earlier... if they could have prevented too much of an escalation.]
But humans don't live forever. This one didn't either. They got sick. And Lilith... she didn't want to see them die. So she snuck food from the Celestial Realm down to them to help heal them. She interfered.
Father wouldn't allow for that.
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Temenos frowns, knowing where this must be going. It's not just that, though. Just knowing that the Celestial Realm apparently doesn't interfere with these sorts of things is disappointing. He remembers spending so much time fervently praying to the gods to help Roi when he was similarly sick. Roi recovered, but...Temenos honestly doubts that it had anything to do with his prayers being answered. It just gives him all the more confirmation he needs that his choice to stop relying on gods was the right one.
He's sure there's a difference, with Lilith directly interacting with this person and potentially revealing her true identity. It's risky, what with the darkness that naturally dwells within humans. Even so...]
...and so she was punished. Correct?
1/2
Lucifer had already been dissatisfied with Father. A lot of us were having doubts. But that just pushed us over the edge. We started a war with Father and the Celestial Realm. Lilith joined us.
...
2/2
[He lets out a shaky breath.]
I was in charge of protecting both of them. Belphie, and Lilith. But...
I didn't see the arrows until they were too late. And when I did, I... I only had time to choose one.
I watched her be shot from heaven. And Belphie... I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for that. For choosing him, instead of...
[It had to have fallen on him. His strength. His family. She might be here if not for what he couldn't do. Maybe if he'd payed more attention. Maybe if he'd kept them all together. Maybe...
Maybe he wouldn't have to see his family now with a hole in their heart where their sister used to be... the sister they wanted to save from death in the first place.]
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All of his attention focuses on Beelzebub from there on, watching him with growing concern as he recounts that horrible moment.]
Beel...
[If Beelzebub will allow it, Temenos shifts to link their arms again so he can hold onto him in a comforting gesture.]
That is a truly impossible choice to be forced into. I am so very sorry.
[The guilt in Beelzebub's eyes that Temenos has seen before makes so much more sense now. He doubts he could offer any sentiments that would assuage any of that guilt, but he can at the very least offer an ear and perhaps a shoulder.]
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His hand slips against Temenos's arm, his touch tense and his voice quiet.]
When I woke up, and I couldn't remember what had happened to you... it felt cold. All I could remember was how your voice had sounded.
Just like the last I remember of Lilith was the face she made. That she was horrified, and hurt...
...
[He won't be able to forget it. How could he? That was his fault, wasn't it??
He leans into Temenos's weight, his touch against the cleric gripping slightly, as though to remind him that yes, Temenos is still there.]
I was so scared I'd let that happen all over again with someone else I loved.
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He squeezes back, further reassuring Beelzebub of his presence.]
Fortunately, that did not come to pass. You've been through more than enough.
[He was horrified in the moment, though. It was just like what happened to Crick, only he was there to witness it firsthand. He wouldn't blame Beelzebub for it one bit if he had heard what Lobelia said to him, though. It was just...simply terrible in any angle one would look at it.]
I am still here, and I promise you that I am not going anywhere. I'll be here at your side for as long as you'll allow me.
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...Lobelia spoke to me, before everything went bad. In my head. He's done it before.
He called me a coward. That I couldn't protect my family, and would never protect them, and that I couldn't protect Haruka and Xiao, either. That it was all my fault for not...
...
[He exhales, frustrated, pained... but Temenos is his grounding, of touch and smell and sight and the sound of his breath against the crash of the falls. So he tries to let the tension sink to the ground, letting his touch rub against Temenos's arm.]
I didn't want to believe him. But it's hard not to.
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As I have said before, Lobelia had a nasty penchant for singling out the weaknesses of others and exploiting them for his amusement...or for his own ends. He used your guilt as a weapon to goad you into a fight, and unfortunately, it played out exactly as he hoped.
You mustn't believe him, though. What happened to Haruka and Xiao could not have been prevented with how little prepared we were for it. You shouldn't shoulder the responsibility for that squarely upon yourself.
[Nor was it right for Lobelia to thrust blame upon him for it.]
Moreover... Allow me to ask you something: Do you truly wish to prove Lobelia right about anything after what he did to you? You've made your commitment to your family perfectly clear to me. Those weren't the words of a coward. You'll protect them, Beel. You won't lose anyone else.
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[It's a response that comes quietly, the demon looking a little overwhelmed and choked up at Temenos's response. He's right, and Beelzebub knows it. But the self-doubt still knaws at him.
His eyes drift out to the water, lips thinning as his touch travels against Temenos's arm, trying to collect himself and his thoughts.]
...
You have a lot of faith in me. I don't always understand it. But... I'm glad that you listen.
[He sighs, some of the tension of his shoulders dropping with the action. It's not a problem that can be fixed in one conversation, or even one extended vacation. But there's a comfort in letting the vulnerability lie on someone who Beelzebub trusts.]
I hope you're right. I want to believe you, and not him.
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"Doubt is what I do."
That was something of a catchphrase I'd developed for myself over the years. At first it was to protect my overly trusting brother from harm, but the world only kept giving me justification for my doubt. Soon enough, I couldn't even trust the Sacred Flame itself.
[He finally addresses the remainder of his cone before he continues.]
But I met someone during my travels who I came to hold dear. He often challenged my doubt and urged me to find faith in something again, even after I scoffed at his dreams and shook his very own trust in the church.
I hadn't realized how weary of that doubt I'd become until he confronted me about it.
[He lets out a sigh of his own and closes his eyes.]
I suppose this is my long-winded explanation for my faith in you. I want to support you to the best of my ability- to believe instead of doubt for a change. You are more than deserving of it.
[Doubt is powerful, after all. Especially self-doubt. If he can crack away at it bit by bit, then he'll consider it a success.]
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You've never talked about your brother before. [It's a quiet remark, slightly surprised.]
...Would you tell me about him?? Or... this person that you met?
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[Much like with Lilith, Temenos's brother is a similarly rough topic to discuss. Still, he promised Beelzebub he would answer particularly difficult questions like these. It's only fair.]
I'll tell you about them both, but why don't we start with my brother for now? His name was Roi.
["Was"...]
I should clarify that we weren't related by blood, but we were both taken in by the pontiff around the same time and I quickly came to think of him as an older brother. We were both deeply devout followers of the Sacred Flame as we grew up together, though Roi was always a bit...too trusting. He only saw the good in people, and as such left himself vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Truly, he was too kind for his own good sometimes.
[And yet he can't help but look fond, in a distant sort of way.]
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[He keeps his hold steady against Temenos's arm, a quiet gathering of his attention as Temenos speaks. Temenos was a younger brother as well, then... and he doesn't miss the past tense, having just come off his own painful nostalgia.]
...Watching an older sibling do something you don't understand gets really hard sometimes, I think.
Did it get him into trouble a lot?
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Doesn't it just?
[As for Beelzebub's question, he gives a light nod.]
Oh, so often that I lost count of how many times it happened a long time ago. Granted, those incidents never had terribly serious consequences. We were young, after all, and Roi eventually wised up enough to become an inquisitor.
...It was the moment he himself began to wholly doubt something that spelled his doom, ironically enough.
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Doubting isn't always a bad thing, but...
[Doom is a pretty strong word, and even Beelzebub can connect two and two together.
The demon's palm runs steadily against Temenos's touch, his expression softening with concern.]
What happened?
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He came to me late one night, stricken with fear over what he and the pontiff discovered within the church's interior. It was the Darkblood Bow- a terrible weapon of legend that was said to be used in an attempt to end the world. What was such a thing doing within the church? This shook Roi to his very core, shattering his trust in the Order.
He vowed to dispose of the bow, and to look into the church's secrets. He...forbade me from joining him, instead imploring me to carry on his work if something happened to him.
[It's still something that clearly pains him. If Roi hadn't gone it alone, would he still be alive?]
"The church has secrets. Extraordinary, terrible secrets."
Those were the final words he said to me before disappearing into the night. I never saw him again.