[ Xiao is awake, unsurprisingly, and tucked away in the bathroom as per usual. When he hears Beelzebub's voice, however, he rises immediately and walks over to check on him.
His expression turns into something pained, mixed in with concern. Xiao immediately grabs a stray snack bag and brings it over to Beel. He looks like he has a lot he'd like to say. ]
[ Should he be the one to tell him what happened? Xiao believes that Beelzebub deserves the truth, but perhaps, after everything, that would be a little too much for him. At least for right now.
Even so, his expression betrays him. His brow furrows, his frown deepens. He closes his eyes. His hands ball into fists at his sides. ]
[It takes him a minute of exhausted tension, trying to sort through the fog of what was memory and what was a bad, bad dream. But he looks at Xiao, looks CAREFULLY at Xiao... and things start to click.]
...The trial.
[Suddenly sitting up a little straighter because EXCUSE YOU SIR??]
Xiao, you're okay???? You're back...!
Haruka, is he... did you find him? How did you make it out of there??
I kept holding myself back, even though I had a sinking feeling it was Lobelia from the start. I was so unsure of what might happen. But I didn't act when I should have, and you and Haru suffered for it.
...
I... know it wasn't that simple. But I was scared that we'd lost both of you. We could have. And I felt it could have been stopped, and it... it wasn't.
[ At that, Xiao falls quiet. His expression is one of...sorrow? Perhaps not as sorrowful as it could be, but it's pained nevertheless.
He told Zelkov this earlier, but perhaps Beel needs to hear it, too. ]
Helplessness can feel heavy, as if there is something chaining you to the ground, rendering you unable to act. And yet, there was so much that we didn't know about Lobelia. Acting quicker may have caused him to do something even more unthinkable than what we witnessed. While I understand the sentiment, I cannot fault you for anything that happened, Beelzebub.
[ His voice suddenly turns shakier. Xiao, who is normally so composed and sure of himself, feels helpless to his own regrets and emotions, which start to pour into what he says next – ]
I believed that I had no need for friendship, companionship, and being alone was the only answer. And yet, being around you, Crea, Nona, Haruka, and the others – it serves as a reminder that despite my indefinite lifespan, I cannot take the time we're sharing together for granted.
[ A beat. ]
I am no stranger to loss. Even so, losing you...would have mirrored what I had experienced all those years ago. You are my friend, Beelzebub. I cannot deny that any longer.
[He stays diligently silent as Xiao speaks more and with more wisdom in a few moments than he thinks he's heard from the Conqueror in the entire last week combined. It keeps him focused, and lets the words have their weight in the moment.]
Xiao...
[He can't believe it, and it echoes the same twist that he's used to feeling. It's not your fault. You didn't know. It's in the past. To hear that, when he still remembers the faces, still remembers the fear, still looks at the hole that could have been created just like before...
Again, and again, and again. Is it always going to crumble with him?
...
Still. Xiao's growth shines, and Beel would have to blind not to see it.]
...It's hard, isn't it. When life moves so fast, and leaves everyone else behind. The memories don't get easier.
...
Of course we're friends, Xiao. That was never a question.
[ All he can do is nod, at that. The memories don't get easier to stomach, no matter how many times he has to live through the lens of the past – seeing his friends die and crumble apart in front of him will always feel raw in his heart. Still, he was once so jaded, cynical, and being here has ignited something in him despite their grim circumstances.
Hope. And it's people like Beel who make that possible. Losing him would have hurt more than Xiao could have thought it would just a few weeks ago, but their camaraderie makes things seem less hopeless.
He puts a hand on the other's shoulder, closes his eyes, and lets out a breath that gives way to how he's feeling. He's glad they're all still here. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything that's happened. The only thing I feel towards you is gratitude.
[He nods, but it's silent. Whether or not he can separate from the blame feels like an impossible obstacle. But:]
Gratitude? Did I do something?
[Ah, but there goes his stomach again. He looks down awkwardly as he fumbles for the snack bag to rip it open and take a handful of whatever's inside. He didn't even check. He doesn't care right now.]
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gluttoning) wrote2023-05-13 09:30 pm
no subject
His expression turns into something pained, mixed in with concern. Xiao immediately grabs a stray snack bag and brings it over to Beel. He looks like he has a lot he'd like to say. ]
Are you still in pain?
no subject
[Squinting increases, but he groggy shakes his head, taking the snack bag as he attempts to sit up a little.]
No... I'm okay. I feel okay.
[The words are a little distant, pressing a hand to his eyes as though he has a headache.]
...What happened? Why am I in the cabana?
no subject
[ Should he be the one to tell him what happened? Xiao believes that Beelzebub deserves the truth, but perhaps, after everything, that would be a little too much for him. At least for right now.
Even so, his expression betrays him. His brow furrows, his frown deepens. He closes his eyes. His hands ball into fists at his sides. ]
We almost lost you, Beelzebub.
no subject
[It takes him a minute of exhausted tension, trying to sort through the fog of what was memory and what was a bad, bad dream. But he looks at Xiao, looks CAREFULLY at Xiao... and things start to click.]
...The trial.
[Suddenly sitting up a little straighter because EXCUSE YOU SIR??]
Xiao, you're okay???? You're back...!
Haruka, is he... did you find him? How did you make it out of there??
no subject
Haruka is alive. We managed to escape the dimension. ... He was not entirely unscathed, but he was tended to immediately after our return.
[ There's remorse in how he says that. He should have done more. He blames himself for letting Haruka get hurt. ]
Don't worry about it. We're both still here.
[ Here. Not fine, but they're alive. That's what should matter to Beel, even if that's not all that matters to Xiao. ]
no subject
[He can feel his chest tightening. But he takes his gaze away from Xiao and back to the bedspread, giving a shaking nod.]
...I'm so glad you're both okay. I thought you both might have...
...
[He swallows, the bag in his hand crinkling as his hands tighten to fists, as his food goes untouched.]
I'm so, so sorry, Xiao.
no subject
[ He feels something hurt in his chest when he sees Beel's expressions, his movements. He's regretful about something that Xiao can't quite see. ]
Why are you apologizing?
no subject
I kept holding myself back, even though I had a sinking feeling it was Lobelia from the start. I was so unsure of what might happen. But I didn't act when I should have, and you and Haru suffered for it.
...
I... know it wasn't that simple. But I was scared that we'd lost both of you. We could have. And I felt it could have been stopped, and it... it wasn't.
no subject
He told Zelkov this earlier, but perhaps Beel needs to hear it, too. ]
Helplessness can feel heavy, as if there is something chaining you to the ground, rendering you unable to act. And yet, there was so much that we didn't know about Lobelia. Acting quicker may have caused him to do something even more unthinkable than what we witnessed. While I understand the sentiment, I cannot fault you for anything that happened, Beelzebub.
[ His voice suddenly turns shakier. Xiao, who is normally so composed and sure of himself, feels helpless to his own regrets and emotions, which start to pour into what he says next – ]
I believed that I had no need for friendship, companionship, and being alone was the only answer. And yet, being around you, Crea, Nona, Haruka, and the others – it serves as a reminder that despite my indefinite lifespan, I cannot take the time we're sharing together for granted.
[ A beat. ]
I am no stranger to loss. Even so, losing you...would have mirrored what I had experienced all those years ago. You are my friend, Beelzebub. I cannot deny that any longer.
no subject
Xiao...
[He can't believe it, and it echoes the same twist that he's used to feeling. It's not your fault. You didn't know. It's in the past. To hear that, when he still remembers the faces, still remembers the fear, still looks at the hole that could have been created just like before...
Again, and again, and again. Is it always going to crumble with him?
...
Still. Xiao's growth shines, and Beel would have to blind not to see it.]
...It's hard, isn't it. When life moves so fast, and leaves everyone else behind. The memories don't get easier.
...
Of course we're friends, Xiao. That was never a question.
no subject
Hope. And it's people like Beel who make that possible. Losing him would have hurt more than Xiao could have thought it would just a few weeks ago, but their camaraderie makes things seem less hopeless.
He puts a hand on the other's shoulder, closes his eyes, and lets out a breath that gives way to how he's feeling. He's glad they're all still here. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything that's happened. The only thing I feel towards you is gratitude.
no subject
Gratitude? Did I do something?
[Ah, but there goes his stomach again. He looks down awkwardly as he fumbles for the snack bag to rip it open and take a handful of whatever's inside. He didn't even check. He doesn't care right now.]