[Beel might feel full, but it feels a bit like Haruka's heart is breaking.
He won't deny that he liked Beel a lot, even if he'll never sit and consider the extent of his feelings or what Beel meant to him, and now that's an entirely pointless endeavor, but...
He was a friend. One of Haruka's very few friends, and thinking of losing him is painful. There's nothing Haruka can do about that, though, and he swallows back his tears after a moment of silence.]
...It's the least I can do for you, right now. I'm sorry.
He scoots closer to the bars, trying to catch Haruka's eyes, and feeling his own expression fall with concern when the teen looks away.
It just deepens the pit in his stomach, that he doesn't know whether he can answer Haruka truthfully on whether he'd repeat this or not. He wishes he could pull the memory from the empty space in time to give the boy some peace.]
...
I wouldn't want to. But... I don't know.
I'm sorry. That you have to be here with things like us.
...
Just because you're with monsters doesn't mean you need to feel you have to accept them. If you think everyone's a monster... you don't owe anyone a reason.
[He glances back over, going quiet at Beel's words.
Is he right? Does Haruka not have to accept anyone here? Does he not have to accept anyone who's ever thought of doing something wrong? Wouldn't it just make him a hypocrite? He might not have blood on his hands, the way other people do, but he can't ignore that he's also done horrible things to people who... truthfully, didn't deserve it. He directed his anger and pain at someone who had no idea of what had been done behind his back, ruining his career - his life - simply because he could. Because he thought he deserved it.
In another world, would Haruka have gone one step further? If he was able to, would he have killed Tenn out of his anger?]
...Beel...
[He sighs.]
I don't know that I'm as innocent as you think I am. If I was like you, maybe I would have done the same. I don't know.
[His lips thin into something carefully neutral, an oddly serious look that doesn't quite match his normal stony blankness.]
I don't think you're innocent. I don't know that an innocent person would ever say as much.
But to say I'm not any worse... You know you're saying that to one of the Rulers of Hell. Right?
Nothing you've done can match some of the sins I've seen come through the Devildom, Haruka. If you want to become a better person for yourself, then that's fine. If you see that you've made mistakes, and you know they were mistakes, that's fine. That's human.
But let hell choose whether to condemn you or not. Don't do that for them.
[Haruka shoots him a look back, not about to let this go without a fight. He's too stubborn for his own good, honestly, and maybe he shouldn't be fighting when Beel is waiting for the gallows, but...
He can't leave things unsaid.]
Maybe you're right, but I don't think you should write yourself off as just - a sin. You're not all bad, even if you're a demon. Even if you were cast out of Heaven, you're not entirely without goodness. You care about people, and you want to protect them, so if I'm not a monster then you're not one either.
[He huffs one last time, before his expression softens]
…I’m going to miss you.
[It’s a quiet admission, as he looks at Beel on the other side of the bars. He wants to think he can manage being alone again, because at least he’ll still have Xiao and the likes of Wei Wuxian and Wang Lu, but…
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The demon carefully turns his head, expression tired.]
...Haruka.
[He looks down at the sandwich.]
...This is what we-- [Weeks ago, sharing food, sharing stories. And now...] --Did you bring this?
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...Yeah.
[That conversation feels like it happened years ago, not just weeks.]
I didn't know if you'd have any snacks here, or if they'd be any good, and I remember you kind of liked this...
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[The next bite is eaten almost carefully, as though wanting the flavors to last for once.]
...Thank you. You didn't have to do that.
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[...At least it seems like he likes it, still.]
I... thought you might like something nice.
[A final meal, as morbid and awful as it is.]
Though you'd probably prefer food from your home, it's not like we have much choice here.
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He lowers himself to a seat on the floor, chewing thoughtfully.]
No, it's okay. My favorites have always been from the human world. Even the cheeseburgers.
So now that I get to eat something made by a human that I like... it makes me feel...
[Mm. What's the word...]
...Full. [A hand moves to his chest.] Here.
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He won't deny that he liked Beel a lot, even if he'll never sit and consider the extent of his feelings or what Beel meant to him, and now that's an entirely pointless endeavor, but...
He was a friend. One of Haruka's very few friends, and thinking of losing him is painful. There's nothing Haruka can do about that, though, and he swallows back his tears after a moment of silence.]
...It's the least I can do for you, right now. I'm sorry.
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[His gaze softens, confused.]
Why are you sorry, Haruka?
This isn't your fault.
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[He looks away, wrapping his arms around himself.]
I wish you weren’t the one in here.
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I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I'd watched someone innocent have to die again for something I couldn't bring myself to do.
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[That’s just the sort of person he is, huh? Too selfless to let someone else take the fall.]
I still wish you hadn’t said anything at all, though, even though I know you’d spend the rest of your life hating yourself for that.
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...
[He stares down at what remains of the sandwich. A bite he almost doesn't want to finish, for fear of it ending.]
...Thank you.
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[He sits down, across from the cage.]
…
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Even demons get scared, Haru. I know it didn't work out that way. But...
It's nice. Knowing someone would have still been okay with me, even if I'd chosen to hide it.
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...
[He takes a slow, shaky breath, closing his eyes for a moment.]
Of course I'd be okay with you. It's not like you would choose to do something like this again, right? This was an extraordinary situation.
[...]
So many people here are monsters, anyways. Why should I pick and choose who I'm okay with?
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He scoots closer to the bars, trying to catch Haruka's eyes, and feeling his own expression fall with concern when the teen looks away.
It just deepens the pit in his stomach, that he doesn't know whether he can answer Haruka truthfully on whether he'd repeat this or not. He wishes he could pull the memory from the empty space in time to give the boy some peace.]
...
I wouldn't want to. But... I don't know.
I'm sorry. That you have to be here with things like us.
...
Just because you're with monsters doesn't mean you need to feel you have to accept them. If you think everyone's a monster... you don't owe anyone a reason.
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Is he right? Does Haruka not have to accept anyone here? Does he not have to accept anyone who's ever thought of doing something wrong? Wouldn't it just make him a hypocrite? He might not have blood on his hands, the way other people do, but he can't ignore that he's also done horrible things to people who... truthfully, didn't deserve it. He directed his anger and pain at someone who had no idea of what had been done behind his back, ruining his career - his life - simply because he could. Because he thought he deserved it.
In another world, would Haruka have gone one step further? If he was able to, would he have killed Tenn out of his anger?]
...Beel...
[He sighs.]
I don't know that I'm as innocent as you think I am. If I was like you, maybe I would have done the same. I don't know.
[...]
But I don't think you're any worse then I am.
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[His lips thin into something carefully neutral, an oddly serious look that doesn't quite match his normal stony blankness.]
I don't think you're innocent. I don't know that an innocent person would ever say as much.
But to say I'm not any worse... You know you're saying that to one of the Rulers of Hell. Right?
Nothing you've done can match some of the sins I've seen come through the Devildom, Haruka. If you want to become a better person for yourself, then that's fine. If you see that you've made mistakes, and you know they were mistakes, that's fine. That's human.
But let hell choose whether to condemn you or not. Don't do that for them.
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He can't leave things unsaid.]
Maybe you're right, but I don't think you should write yourself off as just - a sin. You're not all bad, even if you're a demon. Even if you were cast out of Heaven, you're not entirely without goodness. You care about people, and you want to protect them, so if I'm not a monster then you're not one either.
[Huff puff.]
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[Okay, he can't help himself. Beelzebub's expression breaks slightly, eyes crinkling as he starts to chuckle.]
You really are kind, Haru. Mean about it sometimes. Kind of like Mammon. But... still kind.
...
Okay. If you're not a monster... then neither am I.
I won't forget that. Or you.
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…I’m going to miss you.
[It’s a quiet admission, as he looks at Beel on the other side of the bars. He wants to think he can manage being alone again, because at least he’ll still have Xiao and the likes of Wei Wuxian and Wang Lu, but…
He won’t have them forever, either.]